I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.