Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.