Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Mornin. * use accordingly
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
and this one
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.