@elwaytotheend: Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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@marcia_bee: Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
@VinnieLovelace: Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
@CornOnTheGoblin: if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
@panmidwest: Stranger: so what do you do? Me: I'm in seminary S: seminary huh? so you can't get married? M: nah, I can't get married bc of my personality