Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?