Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.