PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The French cow says MEUX…
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wednesday
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
LOOOOOOL
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.