Good morning y’all ☀️
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
won’t smith
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.