Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
58.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…