@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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@ArfMeasures: THERAPIST: What do you wish for? WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things ME: For the dog to talk
@sip_at_home_mom: My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision