Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good