Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened