Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.