Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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Whoa 😂
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.