(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.