@UnFitz: Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@lolajxx: Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
@HatfieldAnne: Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.