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@UnFitz: Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
@tastefactory: Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
@iwearaonesie: wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]
@mommy_cusses: My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
@RobertMorschel: I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
@loribuckmajor: Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.