Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
You Might Also Like
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*