The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”