Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Finally a use for spoilers…
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes