“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
And then there were 4