GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me trying to look natural in photos
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.