Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Note to self: I am a note
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.