@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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@longwall26: If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You'd be surprised how many people hadn't thought of that.
@teeaysmith: To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
@DanLaMorte: I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I'm stuck and going nowhere with them