@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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@MatMarcotte12: I don't normally shit with the door open but I don't want to miss the in flight movie
@Jen_says_nah: Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
@WheelTod: My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.