The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.