[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You Might Also Like
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean