Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Nothing.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*