@WheelTod: Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can't put salt on your French fries.
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@ilovepie84: Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding
@Carbosly: "I'm scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious." - Dogs
@astutenewf: Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.