Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind