Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
accurate
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.