@realHamOnWry: Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.
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@MatCro: [watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
@Bandersnaaatch: Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
@: ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!” COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@djdarrellripley: Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long! Her: We've never met. Me: That long huh?