@realHamOnWry: Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.
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@BlackCatBettie: "Just so you know, you're coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
@timdonakowski: Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
@zacharyflynn: How to get a girl to like you: 1. Become a lion tamer 2. Release a lion on her 3. Tame it right before it kills her 4. Take her to Chili's?
@TheBeerGuy73: Wife: Let's get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind! Me: How about a guillotine? Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.