sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
handsome & gretel
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Simple
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you