Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.