I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”