Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
That’s it.I’m out.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.