One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Breaking news:
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.