8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My wedding will be open casket.