Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏