*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My birthstone is kidney
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”