Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Just had my nails done!
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.