Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?