Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
You Might Also Like
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Match dot com, but for socks.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.