professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks