professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
You Might Also Like
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.