PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?