Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.