Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
You Might Also Like
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.