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@TheSofiya: Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
@itshotterhere: Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
@fillthevacuum: We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.
@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
@Donna_McCoy: Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
CIA: check your other pocket