scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
lmao
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.