@Shot_Of_Cabo: Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable.
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@LosLos__: •phone call• Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*
@SPAC3CRAF: Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727...
@BuffyMaddingly: Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.
@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.