@LosLos__: •phone call• Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*

@SPAC3CRAF: Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727...

@BuffyMaddingly: Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.

@fred_dog: I think my neighbor's dog is in heat. She's been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.