@AndyAsAdjective: Promised myself that today I wouldn't steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain't bad
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@TomTheWicked: Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.
@XplodingUnicorn: Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?
@WildeThingy: *Panda walks into shop, "A packet of nuts please." Assistant: "pandas don't eat nuts." -"dammit" panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
@bullfrog_1979: Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!