Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*orders delivery*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.