Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?