[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.