Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell