PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
new shirt idea
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I have a black belt in leather
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all