PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
peeping toms
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.