*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
You are what you delete.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.