O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The Weeknd is back
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.