HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
spot the difference
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ