protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
CRYING
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.